If you are my good friend, then you know that I have an unapologetic, unironic, deep, deep love of Oprah and the Oprah Winfrey Show. I watched Oprah from the time I was really young until its very last season. She carried me through many years, hard times, good times. I learned so much from that show. I still miss her. You think I’m kidding, but I’m not. I still always expect her face to be there at 4pm on Channel 11.
Here are some things I learned from the Oprah show over the years.
1. Never go to the second location.
I’ve said this to so many of my friends and they always laugh. But it’s actually pretty serious.
What it comes down to is this: it is statistically more likely that a kidnapper or assaulter will kill you at the second location. I know, not one of Oprah’s more lighthearted episodes.
The point being, if someone, presumably a man, tries to kidnap you, grabs you, tries to assault you, whatever, outside of a bathroom or wherever, you should fight as hard as you can in that location. Kick, scream, bite, eye gouge, urinate (yup!), elbow, whatever you need to do to keep from being taken from that location to another.
I assume the episode was about women’s safety or women’s defense, I can’t remember. It is just that one phrase that stuck with me:
Never go to the second location.
These are the kinds of things we women have to think about all the time. I’ve repeated this phrase many times over the years to friends and they never have any idea what I’m talking about, and who knows if it’s even valid anymore. Last summer, two women were killed in separate incidents because they wanted to go jogging. To be a woman in the world is to always be at least a little bit afraid, to carry your keys in your hands, to limit your activities, the times at which you can do the activities, to check behind you while walking home. It’s a sad but at this point very real truth, one that I’ll undoubtedly have to teach my daughter as she gets older.
The point is, never go to the second location.
2. Your child should see your eyes light up when they enter the room.
Long before I even became a parent or was even close to being a parent, I saw this episode. I couldn’t remember what the focus of the episode was, and assumed it was about parents who are not present. Upon further research, I discovered it was actually an episode that featured Toni Morrison. And what she actually said was:
“When your child walks in the room, does your face light up?”
And that has never left me ever. I carry this with me now. Even when I’m tired and cranky and when I don’t want to mom and if I have to play Elsa and Anna and monster one more time I’m going to hit myself in the head, I always, always make sure my eyes light up when my children enter the room (edit: truth – my eyes have not been lighting up during the twenty times my daughter comes out of her room after bedtime). I want them to know that seeing them is the highlight of my day, that they should always feel safe and loved with me, and that they are worthy of sparkle eyes. I didn’t know it at the time, but this was perhaps the most important lesson I learned from that show.
3. Saying No to Someone Means Saying Yes to Yourself
Okay, I don’t actually know if that tagline came from the show or if my friends made it up as a joke, but the general message is one that Oprah shares often. I think that one of the most important skills you can learn in life is the ability to say “No.” I used to get that awful feeling when I was younger when I said yes to something I really didn’t want to do. You know, that terrible feeling in your stomach and then the dread leading up to whatever you agreed to do and the resentment and anger at yourself for doing something that goes against all of your instincts and intuition. At some point in my twenties, which is earlier than a lot of people learn, I realized, I don’t have to do this. I don’t have to do things I don’t want to do. We’re all adults. Sometimes feelings get hurt, but mostly, people don’t care. Learning that the world doesn’t revolve around you, that there is no fatal chain of events that will be set off because you decided you didn’t want to go to some event, or you didn’t want to help someone clean the river, or you didn’t want to participate in someone’s writing project, whatever, is the most liberating feeling in the world. They teach you how to say no to drugs, sex, and strangers in school, but there is no course about how to say no, to friends, family, or strangers, simply because you want to. No justification needed, no excuses, no asking for forgiveness or understanding. Just, “No, I can’t do that right now.” (And obviously I’m not talking about situations such as going to a relative’s birthday party who you either don’t like or don’t know. Family often requires a separate set of rules.)
This feels like a personal one to me as well. I have so many friends who are writers and teachers, and writer-teachers, and it is very, very easy when you are in an artistic community to give up a lot of your time for other people’s pursuits. Reading student papers in your off-time, agreeing to give a guest talk in someone’s class, volunteering for this or that committee, joining writing groups in which you end up reading other people’s stuff more than writing your own. Some of it is necessary for the job, some of it is necessary for the socialization and not feeling so isolated in an isolating pursuit. But so much of it is detrimental to the creative time and space that your art requires. Requires.
Dear Sugar, Cheryl Strayed and Steve Almond’s podcast, recently did an episode on the “The Power of No” featuring none other than Oprah! She talks about the first big No she gave (to Stevie Wonder of all people) and how powerful it made her feel. When she said no, Stevie Wonder said, “Okay,” and moved on. He didn’t hate her. He didn’t hold it against her. Her life didn’t end.
I know this stuff is cheesy, but I also know that we only have this “one wild and precious life” and every moment you spend serving someone else’s time and purpose is a moment you will never get back. Whatever else you might be working on this year, learn how to say no.
Further reading/listening:
You guys, there’s a wikihow that explains How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty, so…you should be all set.
Oprah’s Greatest Lessons (the second location is in there!)
Kara says
Perfect! I’m an unabashed congregant in the Church of Oprah!