Today is my parents’ 45th wedding anniversary, so I thought I would interview them about their story. One random day in October in 1972, my parents decided to elope in Baltimore, Maryland. My dad is Chinese (American born) and my mom is white. That’s partly why their relationship was secret for so long, but that isn’t why they eloped.
They met at a New Year’s Eve party. At the time, my dad was stationed in Baltimore with the Army during the Vietnam War. He had enlisted, rather than be drafted and sent to Vietnam. After they started dating, my father would hitchhike from the base to Philadelphia to see my mom, but he was eventually sent to Honolulu for intelligence training. They corresponded only through letters, all of which my mom still has in a box somewhere.
Towards the end of the separation, my mom decided enough was enough and that she needed to move on with her life. There was no sign this was going anywhere, and she was a young, cute, single gal who either wanted a real relationship or to just be free. So she stopped writing.
One day, she walked out to her car after work, and standing next to it was my dad.
“I hadn’t heard from you in a while, and I just wanted to make sure you were okay,” he said.
What is this, The Notebook?
Elopements seem pretty rare these days, what with the wedding industry telling us we need elaborate celebrations to solidify our relationships. I have maybe one friend who has eloped. My parents are, for lack of a better word, straight-laced, rule followers, and though they are adventurous travelers, they are not necessarily spontaneous risk takers. So the story of their elopement has always fascinated me. Especially from my mom’s perspective. Imagine a man shows up in the parking lot and asks you to get married and move to another country? I had to find out what they were thinking.
My mom:
What were you thinking when you saw Dad standing in the parking lot?
Well, my first thought was “what the heck is he doing here!” We’d been separated for about 10 months and I was waiting for the next stage of our relationship to begin when I received a letter telling me he was going to Thailand. I think I misinterpreted the meaning of the letter and actually though it was a “Dear John” letter as we used to call them in those days. Anyway, there he was, charming me all over again. After a few days he popped the question by giving me a simple but beautiful jade heart.
Why did you say yes?
I was surprised and puzzled by the proposal Not sure how the family situation would be handled. Did I really want to marry someone who could not introduce me to his family because I wasn’t the right race? Could I give up the few things I had actually acquired? A small beat up apartment in West Philly where I was born and raised, two cats, a 1970 Volkswagen, my job at the University of Pennsylvania? I decided a new life in an exotic country with someone who made me feel so special was a good idea. My family seemed happy for me. but not thrilled about an elopement.
You grew up very Catholic. Did you feel guilty getting married outside of the church?
Yes, definitely. About a year before, my brother eloped with my best friend. I cried for him and prayed for his soul for not being married by a priest. But his reasons were the same as mine. He was in the army with Tom and there was no time to plan a Catholic ceremony.
Who did you tell about the elopement?
All my family and friends knew about our plans. I think it seemed romantic and fun to some of them.
What was most special about the elopement?
Meeting my new sister in law, Rita. She was the only family member who knew about us. For two years, she kept the secret. I’ll never forget getting off the train in Baltimore, walking up the steps, looking for Tom and seeing the most beautiful smiling face of Rita. She seemed so happy for us. She has been the most wonderful friend for 45 years now.
Also, Tom knew I was struggling with a non-Catholic ceremony, and he somehow found a pretty church and minister for the service in Baltimore. Rita and Tom’s best friend Steve were our witnesses.
Dad left for Thailand right after you got married and you were alone for 3 months. During that time, did you feel regret or fear?
The day after our “wedding” I was on a train back to Philly. I had so many loose ends to tie up and I had to do it alone. I began selling all my furniture, finding homes for my cats, giving notice at work, getting lots of inoculations, dealing with the military bureaucracy and trying to get my permission and ticket to Bangkok. We were married in October ’72 and I didn’t see Tom again til late January ’73. So yes, I felt a little regret and lots of fear. The worst was when I had to impose on family for a place to live because I gave up my apartment. They were so kind and give me a place to stay for about a month. I was very close to the cousin who I stayed with. We grew up together. When she drove me to the airport that day, we couldn’t speak. We just looked at each other and burst into tears. I didn’t know when I would see her again.
Can you tell me about the plane ride to Thailand?
You mean the flight from hell? The military flew me to a California air force base on a nice commercial plane. Well this isn’t so bad I thought. When I got to the air force base I had to spend the night there. I was put in a barrack with a young girl my age who was in the air force. She thought I needed some fun, so she drove me all around the air force base in a jeep that I wasn’t sure she was supposed to be driving. She was quite a character and told me all about how easy it was to get pot on the base.
The next day I boarded a huge military transport plane. A commercial airline was contracted to assist with the flight. There was no music, videos or entertainment of any kind, just lots of hungover young soldiers on the way back to Vietnam from leave time. They were not a happy bunch. The young man who sat next to me was slightly drunk, never spoke to me, and spent most of the flight sleeping on my shoulder. I cried a lot on that flight. We stopped in Japan and the Saigon where most of the soldiers got off. I felt so grateful that Tom had been assigned to Bangkok and prayed that those young men got home safe.
What is the hardest thing about marriage and the easiest thing about marriage?
Sometimes it’s hard to read minds and second guess about what your partner is thinking or needing from you. Communication is essential but not always easy.
The easiest for me is knowing any argument or disagreement can be resolved with a compromise. (editor’s note: really? compromise is the hardest thing!)
After 45 years, what is the thing you most respect about Dad?
Without question, his integrity, loyalty and love of family.
From my dad:
What the heck were you thinking when you showed up at Mom’s work place?
I was 23 so probably I was only thinking of surprising Mom when she thought I was back in Hawaii. I was very naive.
Did you think she would actually say yes?
HEY, I was 23 and naive. I went with my gut and it worked out. I first asked Mom if she wanted to go to Thailand unmarried and she was smart enough to refuse. It was the first of many times she was smarter about life than me. The lesson here is “it is sometimes better to be lucky than good.”
What was your plan if she said no?
I didn’t have no stinkin’ plan. I might have returned to Hawaii, gone to Bangkok, left the Army, and maybe tried to be a FBI agent or a teacher in MD and retired.
Do you regret eloping in secret?
I never knew of anyone else eloping in secret. So I guess we were really special or really crazy. Anyway, everything worked out fine and it’s a great story to tell, especially about when Grandpa and Grandma were told. I sent Grandpa a letter and photo of Mom. He was happy but too scared to tell Grandma so he didn’t. Grandma was the last to know and learned on the way to Dulles airport to meet us. I have no regrets but I do regret that Mom never had the nice wedding that she deserved.
What has been the hardest thing about marriage and the easiest thing?
Hardest thing is to understand the person you married to, as both people change physically, emotionally, morally, spiritually during the marriage to be a different person at the end than the beginning. The easiest thing is saying “yes”.
After 45 years, what is the thing you most respect about Mom?
Without doubt, she is the most honest person ever. She absolutely cannot tell a lie. She makes George Washington feel ashamed.
Congrats on 45 years of a beautiful marriage, Mom and Dad! You are one gorgeous couple, and you sure take those vows seriously. Good times, bad times, rich, poor, sickness, health – you’ve seen it all, and have managed to retain the love that originally brought you together.
Suzanne Jameson says
Well done, Mary Woo! I loved reading this and seeing the photos of your mum and dad. What a wonderful story and what wonderful parents you have. You are fortunate and blessed.
Teri Woo says
Thank you for sharing our story. We’ve had a wonderful life, and we’ve always believed that risk taking is usually worth it.
Synthia says
Lovely story. Assuming the Rita in the story is Rita Wong? Thanks for sending. Loved reading it.
Margo Padron-Murillo says
Such a great love story!
Tasha C says
Oh gosh – this just made my day! Thanks for sharing their story, Mary. And happy 45th Teri & Tom, all the way from Australia!
Judy and Don Ordogne says
Your parents are not only our neighbors, but treasured friends. Thank you for documenting their story. We enjoyed reading about their elopement! They are both so kind. Your mom has biggest heart of anyone I know. The love and loyalty they have for each other and their family is always evident. Congratulations, Teri and Tom, on 45 years of wedded bliss. May the coming years bring more wonderful memories. Much love.
Van says
What a lovely story. This touched my heart.