When Jessica Rinker said she had made “unconventional choices” as a mother, I was intrigued. I’m currently obsessed with ideas of unconventional lives for women. Some days, I feel so overwhelmed by these little children I have. I wonder when I will feel rested, when I’ll have time again to just sit for hours and write, or even read. I feel time passing at a rapid pace. When they turn eighteen and go to college, I’ll be in my fifties. During our nightly bedtime routine, which can take anywhere from one to two hours, I think about the words my fingers are itching to type and by the time I’m free I can barely keep my eyes open.
Have you seen The Kindergarten Teacher on Netflix yet? It’s about a teacher who thinks her student might be a poetic genius, and she wants to do everything in her power to protect his gift. Its star, Maggie Gyllenhaal, says of her character, “she’s an artist and nobody cares about her work. She doesn’t have any kind of artistic connection or human connection, and she’s driven crazy by the insanity of the culture and the time she finds herself in. (She lives in the same time that we do.)”
This interview is so meaningful and relevant to me. Jessica is the author of Gloria Takes a Stand (March 2019, illustrated by the fabulous Daria Peoples-Riley!) and the upcoming middle grade book, The Dare Sisters (2020), described as The Goonies meets Little Women (yes please!), and as you’ll see below, she has so much more in the works. Once she got started, she really never stopped.
For anyone out there struggling to find space for your own creativity, this interview will inspire you. Jessica’s ambition is unapologetic and her commitment is fierce. Maybe you don’t have children. Maybe it’s a demanding career. Maybe you’re a care taker. Maybe you simply don’t believe in yourself enough right now to pursue what’s in your heart. It is so easy to lose yourself to parenthood. Not only easy, but sometimes necessary. Kids need A LOT. But it is also necessary to protect and fight for your own time. The cost of not doing it is too much. These words are just what I needed. Maybe you need them, too.
Do you have a “day job,” or a job that is separate from creating your art?
For the first time in my life (I’m almost 43) I’m down to a single day job, administrative assistant for a consulting firm, and it’s only 3 hours a day. The only way I knew how to keep writing was to create a patchwork of flexible income until writing paid the bills—or at least some of them. I’ve been a professional actress, housekeeper, worked retail, nonprofit, teaching, I was a barista for years… you name it, I’ve probably done it.
How old is your child/are your children?
I have three biological children ages 14, 18, and 20. I married young and had my first son at 22. Later I divorced, and am now remarried, and we have six kids between us. My stepsons are 11, 15 and 17. We are the Brady Bunch 2.0.
What is a typical day like for you – schedule wise?
This has changed so many times for me through the years. I think that flexibility is something that’s difficult for many people and probably one of the reasons they struggle with making their dream of writing full time a reality. You have to learn how to be flexible and be able to write anywhere, anytime, and how to say no to a lot of people and opportunities. Otherwise it’s very easy to come up with excuses as to why you can’t get the work done.
But as of today, my schedule is basically this: Up around 6:30 or 7, write until I have to go in to the office from 12-3, and then come home and either write more or work on author related things. There’s a lot of behind the scenes things that wax and wane depending on what’s going on with your projects, another reason you have to learn flexibility. You might have emails with agent and editors, websites to build or update, school presentations, events to coordinate, interviews, etc. Overall, my writing is best in the early morning so I generally go straight from bed to couch with my laptop, dive right in, and save all the other less creative stuff for afternoon.
You mentioned making “unconventional choices” when it came to motherhood, parenthood, etc. Do you want to speak to that? How has motherhood changed over the years for you in regards to fitting in your creative life as well?
So, as I mentioned, I first married young. I was 20, still in college, and then I graduated 6 months pregnant, so I went from childhood to raising children. I had all three of my kids by age 28. For 16 years, I built my life around them. I wanted to be home with them, so when they were very little, I only worked minimal part-time jobs. None of them went to daycare and I was always there to get them up and off to school and greet them when they came home. I frequently made cookies, I walked them back and forth to school, and took them to all their afterschool activities every day. I truly loved this. And it was killing me. It was a difficult thing for me to reconcile because of that strange conflict. I wanted to be home with my little loves, and they were little loves. (Now they’re big loves) All three of my kids were (and still are) very close with me. I treasured the relationship we had. I knew I was cultivating a lifelong trust with them. What I didn’t understand deeply enough is that I didn’t have balance and was dying for the cause.
Somewhere around 30, I’d started writing my first book. Desperate to having something outside the realm of motherhood, but not at all interested in anything resembling a 9-5, writing was a natural fit. I’d always been a writer, I just had never tried to write a whole novel. But I did it. And once I realized I could, there was no stopping me—for the rest of my thirties, I was writing books, learning about the publishing business, working, and raising kids. The further I walked into the writing life the harder the conflict gripped my heart. I couldn’t commit to writing the way I dreamed of committing—as if it were my spouse or child. The family always took precedence in a way that was detrimental to my own progress, as a writer and simply as a woman. Claiming a new life felt impossible so I just continued to try to manage all these threads by not committing fully to any of them—it was a weak tapestry.
I’d also known for years I wanted a divorce and had been telling myself to wait until the kids were grown. It began to feel as though I was doing time. I spoke of this to no one. The combo of these conflicts brewed in me a horrible storm. I thought I was supposed to be everything to my kids and husband…and I didn’t want to be. But I wasn’t supposed to want anything more than a good husband and children, was I? I came very close to suicide, because killing myself felt easier than telling the truth or telling our kids. That’s how deeply entrenched the lie was—that’s how long it took for me to realize I needed help. How had I gotten so out of touch with myself, or maybe reality, that I was convinced suicide was easier than telling the truth of what I wanted?
It was terrifying, but it scared me into being honest with everyone—especially myself. What gave me the courage to do this was that I was also working on my MFA at the time. I’d met so many people with similar stories of struggle and determination for lives they wanted, writing and otherwise. I knew what I needed to do and I knew I wasn’t alone.
They saw the sudden overflow of success in just the last four years since I made the decision to not be the full-time parent. I hope this is something they will look back on with admiration and inspiration for their own choices in life.
So, from all of this was borne the bigger, less conventional decision: about a year after we separated, I then gave up full custody of my kids. Maybe I shouldn’t say “gave up”. It was never a fight. In fact, our whole divorce was pretty civil, no lawyers or any of that nonsense that usually rips people into more shreds than they’re already in. My ex and I came to the decision together that he would take the kids full time. In his mind he would be able to provide for them better—which is true—and in my mind I needed some serious time to get on my feet, both financially and emotionally. I knew if I kept full custody I’d never allow myself the brain and heart space needed to do the work for both my mental health and the writing career I wanted. I’d spent over 16 years living for my children, and nearly 25 living for a man I met when I was 15. I knew it would take some diligence to pull myself out of the self-destructive patterns I had created while “being everything” for other people.
The amazing thing is, while the change was incredibly hard on my kids at first, I became such a clear-headed mom. My twenty-year-old son still calls me from college for advice, my eighteen-year-old daughter still wants to snuggle on the couch to watch movies, and my fourteen-year-old son still wants to snuggle period—I consider that a victory. I loved the relationship I had with them when they were little and I love the relationship I have with them now—it’s evolved, we’ve been flexible, so in that way you could say it’s very much like writing. I’m far more honest with them, and they know what I’ve been working toward for years. And then they saw the sudden overflow of success in just the last four years since I made the decision to not be the full-time parent. I hope this is something they will look back on with admiration and inspiration for their own choices in life. And I’m well aware they also may look back with tremendous hurt. I’m prepared to deal with both.
What does your “work space” look like?
My space is less physical than emotional, so I’m glad you’re asking about both. I’m not a ritualistic writer, I don’t have any superstitions or charms or objects to inspire me—I’ve never needed them. What I need is a comfy chair or couch, and quiet. No interruptions, or at least very few. And coffee.
Sometimes I like to sit at a desk or in a coffee shop, but there are two challenges with this: hard chairs hurt my back very quickly—a product of an incredibly difficult pregnancy/labor with my first son. And other people around me are too distracting. I like to get lost in the world I’m creating, so I almost want blinders on to the real world to help me forget I’m in it. Like if I could be in a sensory deprivation chamber I could probably write for days straight without food.
When I first set out on this journey to become published I knew I wanted it the traditional way, agented and with big publishers. If you’re going to dream, you might as well dream big.
What kind of supports do you have that make it possible for you to write?
My main emotional support is my husband. He’s also a children’s author and if anyone understands this life, it’s him. I used to think two writers could never live together (because I knew how crazy I was), and I’ll admit there are times I want that sensory deprivation chamber in my house, but he is truly an incredible support for me. We write very different things so we’re always sharing ideas and projects, which is really fun. We see the world in such similar ways, we’re both in tune with kids in a way many adults lose over time, and we are both always looking for more, learning more, hoping for new adventures, whereas we see so many adults becoming complacent, we try to find the wonder in life. I find our experience refreshing. He’s better at me at thinking like a child and being playful, which is inspiring. And he’s incredibly empathic, which makes for an excellent writer and an amazing partner.
And in a more professional way, my agent is also a huge support. When I first set out on this journey to become published I knew I wanted it the traditional way, agented and with big publishers. If you’re going to dream, you might as well dream big. It took me a long time, but it’s worth it. Not only does she chat with me about my ideas, and go through an editorial process with my projects before they go out on submission, she handles all the sales and all the business parts of this career that I would otherwise find harrowing and too much of hassle. She’s not only in my corner, she goes to bat for me again and again and without her, I’d wouldn’t be where I am.
What are you working on now?
Many things! I have 4 books coming out and 2 on deck. Because I’m in so many stages of production, I’m working on everything at once, yet another reason to learn flexibility! As far as WIP’s, I have a picture book biography that I’m wrapping up—which will be my third if it sells. I can’t tell you who it’s about…I’m always hesitant to share nonfiction topics online until it’s a done deal.
And my other WIP is another middle grade novel. I actually just finished the first draft and I would tell you the title of that one, except that I don’t have one yet! But I can tell you it’s about a little girl who’s trying to create a time machine (her very own TARDIS, for those of you who are Dr. Who fans) so she can go back in time and stop her parents from getting a divorce, but during the course of the summer will realize that her mission isn’t really what’s best for everyone, including herself. It’s a coming of age story that grapples with the idea that every decision we make causes ripples—consequences—and understanding these decisions not only affect us, but all the people around us.
What are you reading now?
I’m a little behind picking this one up, but I’m reading The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt and it’s fantastic. I don’t want it to end!
If you want something bad enough, you do whatever it takes to get there.
Any specific or general advice you think you could offer writers in terms of process, schedule, creativity?
I wish it were as simple as saying “this one thing works”. But if I had to pick one thing it would be simply perseverance, which is not simple at all. Process, schedules, creativity (writing, living, parenthood)—it’s all incredibly personal and it evolves as your life evolves, it has to if you want to get anywhere. If you want something bad enough, you do whatever it takes to get there. Never once in my life have I said, “I don’t have time to write”. I made the time or I said “I’m not writing today”. But even once I reached my goal, it wasn’t the end; I didn’t feel like I reached nirvana just because I sold a book. I want the career of being an author, so my first thought was—oh god now I have to sell another one! You must persevere for whatever it is you want.
What’s the funniest/cutest/weirdest thing your kid has ever done?
I’ll tell a story that involves all three.
My youngest son used to have meltdowns as a toddler because he had a hard time expressing himself verbally. These meltdowns were often comical, however, because he was usually a mellow sweetheart. Sometimes they were not comical as my other two would attest and call me out on if I didn’t admit it, but this particular time it was predicated simply by being overtired and misunderstanding. Anyway, we had this rooster show up on our porch one day (Doesn’t this happen to everyone?) and he basically lived with us for a few months one summer. The kids loved him—he was very friendly for a rooster—and he would sort of follow them around, cooing at them and once in a while cock-a-doodle-dooing which always cracked them up. One afternoon he was roosting on a pile of firewood on our front porch, one leg tucked up inside his feathers to keep warm, as they do. One of the older kids jokingly said “Hey, look! The rooster only has one leg”, and my youngest completely lost his mind and began bawling and wailing at the top of his lungs, “THE ROOSTER ONLY HAS ONE LEG!” which of course was met by hysterical laughing from everyone else and only made the poor kid cry about the “legless” rooster more.
His brother and sister will never let him forget it.
I do believe that is the beauty of siblings. The three of them having each other is one of the many reasons I’m happy I have the privilege of raising them, in all the forms it’s taken.
Thank you, Jessica! I can’t wait to see what comes next for you!
Allison Branscombe says
What an inspirational story! Yes, I needed to read this, today!